The story she told me about her life and Tasha’s was sobering, if not sickening. My former playmate had gotten mixed up with cocaine and was now a junkie, a thief, an ex-convict. She’d also given birth to six children, all of which Ann now had custody. Remembering that Ann made meager wages as a bus driver, I asked how she could afford so many kids. “It’s by the grace of God,” she said, hunching her shoulders and lowering her eyes.
Is it? I thought to myself.
A few years before, I’d listened to a sermon by a female pastor entitled “False Burdens.” Her argument was this: The number one way the devil kills women is by guilt-tripping them into carrying false burdens. Wily ole Lucifer will show a woman someone in need, knowing full well she’ll feel compassion and go out of her way to help. Before long, helping would require so much of the woman’s energy, resources, and time that her husband, herself, and her prayer life would all fall by the way side. Exhausted and heavy-laden with stresses, she’s a weak and easy target for Lucifer.
Even if you’re not a religious person, it’s hard to argue with the pastor’s point, that we, as women, have a tendency to carry burdens that are not our own.
I’m thinking of another friend, Tamara, as I write this. Tamara owns two houses, one of which she rents out to her often-months-late-with-the-rent mother. And even though this situation is a huge financial and emotional burden for my friend, she feels it would be wrong to evict her own mother.
Emily is another acquaintance of mine with a similar situation. Her mother doesn’t have a driver’s license or own a car. So, after working all day as an elementary school teacher, Emily rushes home not to take a long soak in the tub, but to drive her mother to the bank, the post office, the fruit market.
I’m not suggesting that daughters shouldn’t ever help their mothers, or that grandparents shouldn’t love their grandchildren. I am simply asking these questions: When and where should women draw the line when taking on burdens that do not belong to us? At what point does being nice become a detriment to our health? How can we expect to live joyous lives when we are perpetually doing things we don’t want to do? Is it possible that taking on more than we can bear is not selflessness, but foolishness? Is it possible that carrying too many burdens is not doing the work of God, but the work of the devil?
I remember the way Ann looked a few weeks ago, like she was on drugs herself. Feet like the Mojave. Dingy sweatpants. Prunes beneath her eyes. I wondered how long she could care for those kids before succumbing to a breakdown and needing a caretaker herself.
You raise some very important points.
ReplyDeleteGuilt-ridden niceties are for fools. And I think the guilt comes from the fact that we are taught to be nice as children.
When I was young I always heard, "Be nice," or (my favorite) "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
The problem is that "nice" means covering one's true thoughts, feelings and intuition with words or actions that are more pleasing to others. It can harm the individual, and it's fake.
For example, if a friend asks me to drive two hours out of my way to accommodate his/her schedule when I don't have the time to do that, don't want to do that and no way in hell want to spend the gas money to do that, the "nice" response is "Sure! Of course I'll do that really inconvenient thing to please you!"
Or if I am about to get on an elevator and my gut tells me that the passenger inside is not someone that I feel safe standing next to for a 10-floor ride, the "nice" thing to do is to step onto that elevator, smile, stand in the corner, clutch my handbag and keep close watch of the menacing character from the corner of my eye.
In the very serious scenarios that you raise in your post, being "nice" can put a person in a situation that is detrimental to his/her well-being and financially draining.
And in the examples that I presented above (both of which have happened to me) being "nice" can put a person in a situation that is inconvenient, annoying and, in the latter case, dangerous if the menacing character turns out to be a gun-toting, purse-snatching criminal.
Which is why people who know me well have probably heard me say "nice can get you killed."
What I plan to teach my (future) daughter is to be "kind." This means being considerate of others' needs while also being true to oneself.
Unlike "nice," there is nothing fake about "kind."
"Kind" would say, "Mom, I know you have decided to forgo a driver's license and car, but let's come up with a way to help you do all of the things that you need to do that doesn't involve me driving you around at the end of a long day of work."
"Kind" would also say, "Dear friend, I know that it would be more convenient for you if I drive to your neighborhood for a drink even though you live two hours away from me, but that's not convenient for me. How about we meet somewhere in the middle?"
And "kind" would flash a winning smile at the menacing character, remain in place as the elevator doors close and wait for another elevator.
I was discussing a few concerns with her relating to family. She told me, "You are trying to pick up bags that aren't for you to carry." A reminder for me that I was moving into the realm of internalizing concerns that I had absolutely no control to handle but wanted to fix. Until recently, I had often found myself trying to be everything to everybody. In the end, it left me feeling empty. An empty deeper than tired...more so emotionally and physically spent.
ReplyDeleteFor so long, it was like I could not say "NO." I felt that by saying "NO," I was letting someone down, upsetting someone and disrupting peace. I do not like conflict. Also, there's a nurturing nature I think women possess that just feels the need to help solve or limit problems.
I've started saying "NO" and it's actually quite liberating. I've also started stating my truths in situations about how I feel, instead of suppressing those thoughts and feelings. What's interesting is I would always tell others to take care of themselves first, because a person cannot be of any quality assistance to someone else if they are always neglecting their own needs. However, I rarely followed that advice for myself.
E.E. Kelley, you asked, when should we draw the line when taking on burdens that do not belong to us? I've learned this, people, whether intentionally or unintentionally, will take advantage of you for as long as you allow. For me, it would be that moment when caring for someone else begins compromising the mental, physical, emotionally and spiritual health of oneself. For example, driving two hours out of the way to meet a friend instead of choosing a place in-between, physically exhausting. The consumption of a family member's burden occupying 19 of the 24 hours in a day, emotionally exhausting. Hearing the burdens of your friends and family in your sleep, mentally exhausting! Girl, whenever such heavy thoughts begin infiltrating your sleep, that's an automatic draw of a line. That's when the line drawn should be thick and bold! Feeling sad and depressed in the events of your own life, spiritually exhausting.
I do believe that friends and family need support. I do believe that there are times when compassion kicks in and you cannot help but feel the same emotions as those who are hurting close to you. We're human. It's natural. Even so, we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves first, and that is not at the expense of being less concerned about others. In fact, we are no good to others if we have not adequately taken care of ourselves. Let's be frank too. If I'm spending so much time taking care of someone else, who is going to mind me when I'm down, if the someone else is down too?
I'm being playful, but in all honesty, it's a do unto others as you would have others do unto you. I would want friends and family to be supportive of me when I needed them, just as I would be with them. I would also want them to understand when I speak my truths and vice-versa. You have to know your limits and trust that others will understand. Even more so, be okay with it when they do not. If the relationships are based on unconditional love, then saying "NO" will not be a deal breaker.